5 Years Later

5 years after my last post on this blog I have found my way back to it. I struggle with a lot of mental things that I think prayerful writing may help. It has been a very busy 5 years, and I have gone from what I would consider to be very passionate and knowledgeable in regard to the Lord to having experienced some significant troubles now being in a very different, seemingly darker place than I once was, but perhaps closer to the Lord than I once was.

The first few years of my life after i experienced a very powerful revelation of God through the message of Jesus' love, forgiveness, and sacrifice I had a very strong sense of purpose. I was the Lord's and the Lord was mine is the best way I can think of to describe it. I was drawn very powerfully to the scriptures and to other people who I had met or knew that followed Christ also. I although I didn't know what God would call me to in life, I believed very strongly that it would be extraordinary, and that it would likely involve me being a teacher of some kind.

The next phase of my journey through faith was that of testing, trial, and pain. After getting married and moving to Arizona I found myself in a place that was quite hostile to me and my faith. I don't mean that the physical environment was hostile, but that it was just a time of hostility in general. I had my church leadership challenging me on the basics of the faith saying that I was wrong. I had family members and previous Christian friends either rejecting the faith or opposing me and what I was doing in the ministry God gave me. Pretty soon I was without a church, without friends, and with the idea in my mind that since the Lord's work was what I was doing I would be successful (for some reason believing that I would be some special prophet sent to everyone around me). In the end my wife would also be frustrated with what was happening, and questioning what I believed. It was a very hard time, and I found myself very depressed and doubtful.

I believe God destroyed everything that I was doing because it would have destroyed me. I was self confident, and trusted in my own abilities and methods rather than his supernatural power and grace. Yet, I knew that God had called me to be a spiritual soldier, and from the beginning I have been on the front line--a warrior of the faith however weak I am. I feel like an old warrior now--like one that has seen his share of battle, and still plays in his mind the sorrows of watching the death of people he loved. I struggle with feelings of guilt for thing that I have done or said that have hurt others, and pushed them away from fellowship. Maybe this is my thorn in the flesh.

Now, as a husband ad father of 3 I find myself in a life pattern very different from 5 years ago. My prayers are few and my reading of the scriptures is down to maybe a verse a day. I find myself still foolishly trying to tough it out--trying to push through task after task with work (I work as an Infantryman in the US Army). Maybe I do it because that is the mentality forced on you from day one of military training, or maybe because my pain fuels me and not the love of God or love for God and others. Maybe both.

So, this blog is going to serve as a kind of reference point for my efforts at rejuvenating and reorienting my life to my first love (Jesus) that the fruit of the Spirit may be more and more evident in me.